6 months in, 6 months out

Sometimes I forget that I’m a loss mama, it’s rare but it happens. In moments when I’m caught up in something, busying my mind and body…I almost feel like I’m recovering from a bad dream. After a moment though I notice the weight on my shoulders…the permanent ache in my heart and it truly amazes me how six months can be enough time to start feeling like the way I feel now is normal. It’s kind of scary…getting to know the new me and realizing I will never be who I was before.

I try not to dwell on what could have been but when these big dates come along I can’t help but think Sebastian would be out of almost half of the clothes we had for him and he probably would have been growing out of his car seat soon. This milestone was a big one and it kind of surprised me that I was the only one who seemed to notice that the half year anniversary of his death came and went. That’s how it is I guess…it’s real to me all the time. It’s vivid and it doesn't ever really go away. I’m not reminded by certain things because it’s always there. I don’t mark dates or set alarms because its something I never stop noticing.

I sometimes feel like we've been forgotten by most people. After that first month we stopped getting cards and other than a few people I don’t hear from anyone anymore. It’s like everyone has decided that my story-my life is too sad to have around. I’m lonely. I’m doing the best I can to heal and for the most part I think I’m doing a pretty good job…I just wish I didn't have to feel so isolated doing so. I’m not sick, you can’t catch grief…being around me won’t make you have a stillborn. It could have been you or your sister…or your best friend. I did nothing to cause my loss and I don’t know why it makes me such an outcast.

I'm still hurting and I will continue to hurt. I am not going to wake up one day and be fixed. Just because your life goes on and the pain you feel about my situation lessens does not mean that it ever gets any easier for me. But even though you can’t expect me to get over it… it doesn't mean I can’t enjoy life. People never invite me to hang out anymore when they get groups together. I don’t understand why people act as if I died with my son. I've just been a little lonely like I said...it's nothing anyone has done or hasn't done. I know friendship is a two-way street...I guess I'm just afraid to go down it anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I may be a little down because of some things but life isn't bad. I've actually been doing better at keeping up around the house (fewer sad lazy days) and I just wrapped up a yard sale for the March of Dimes where I raised $200+… (exceeding the team goal of $350 when combined with donations we've gotten from friends and family online.) My next goal is to get back to my dog treat business…including catching up on a few pending orders I haven’t had time to complete (sorry guys!)

Thank you all (my readers) I know that I don’t write enough but I hope that you will continue to follow and share my blog with your friends. I got a touching note from a woman who ran across one of my blogs on Pinterest. She told me that she can relate and thanked me for writing because it helps to know there are people who feel the way she does and that’s what this is all about. I am trying to make Sebastian’s life meaningful to more than just our family. 

Keeping busy...

wouldn't it be nice if people warned you they were going to give it sometimes?

I've gotten a lot of advice since Sebastian's death...some of it's been good and some has been completely absurd. I'm sure this is mostly because everyone greives differently and not everything works for everyone. One of the best pieces of advice that I've gotten for coping is to stay busy and that’s what I've been doing lately.

I am currently working on raising money for the March of Dimes, starting my own business, working on my body, exploring a new belief, taking care of 3 dogs and 3 puppies, cooking, cleaning and keeping things running smoothly for my family-not to mention keeping up my with my online support groups. I would write more here but lately every time I sit down to write I can’t complete a thought. My mind is going a thousand miles a minute all the time and this is just part of the process for me, I guess. I know this is going to sound corny and come off a lot more spiritual than I mean it to but this year is like being born again.

In the past five months I have been working on becoming a different person. Not really that different, just…the kind of person I've wanted to be my whole life but for some reason haven’t been able to. I want to be the kind of person that you can come to for anything, the kind of person that people look up to, I want to make a difference and show the world that it hasn't broken me. I have forgiven myself, I have accepted the loss-as well as I can, and I am moving forward. I think of him every day…many times a day. I still cry, I still get mad, and I fail over and over at what I want to do but I am living again and it’s a pretty good feeling.

My Return to Zero Utah Interview

One of my loss support groups asked us if we would be interested in doing an interview, this is a copy of what I sent in. <3

Your name? - Sarah Harvey

Would you care to share a little of your story and what happened? What was your emotional state after experiencing this loss? 

-My son was born still one day shy of 39 weeks gestation. I had a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy until the day I found out he passed. He died from a nuchal cord, it happens in a lot of pregnancies but it’s very rare that is causes problems. I was a mess after we lost him, I lived out of habit in a daze for a while before I finally snapped out of it because I realized I need to make my son's life matter. I will live for him. I am choosing to use my story/experience to do something positive. I have been told I can write in a way that not only tells my stories but explains the feelings with my blog and I hope that that helps not only others who have been through it but also family, friends, and others who know someone who have been through such a loss understand how it feels.

How has your emotional state changed over time?

-Almost 5 months later I have achieved a sort of peace. I was a wreck at first but I am learning to live again.

What are some of the helpful things people did to show their love and support right after your loss?

-The most helpful thing people can do is just to be there, I felt so alone because I really didn't know how common late loss is. I felt like no one would understand or that people would blame me and I was pleasantly surprised at how much support I got…phone calls, e-mails, visits, cards…it all helped.

What are some things that you wish people had done to support you after your initial loss, what would have been helpful?

-I wish some people had not been asking so many personal questions. A lot of people I barely knew were asking me if we were planning on trying again less than a month after we lost our son.

After time, most our friends and family continue on with their lives. What can they do to continue to show support; one month, one year, 2 years, etc. later?

-Talk about it. Break the silence, so to speak. Our children existed and we want to talk about them, to celebrate them.

What are some definite no/no’s, actions, advice that friends and family should avoid saying or doing? How were such things hurtful? Don’t tell us “God has a plan.” It’s not helpful. Don’t tell us we can have more…some of us can’t and even if we can there is –no- replacing the child(ren) we lost. Basically just don’t make assumptions. It’s not better this way, it just is and we are living with it in our own way.

Many people that have gone through the loss of a child are secluded because people do not know what to say or how to act around them. What is some advice that you can give these people to help them not feel so unsure on how to approach you?

-Talk to them as if they are parents because they are. They may not have children running around making their lives crazy but they are parents. Talk to them about their beautiful child and if they don’t want to talk about it talk to them about what you would with anyone else. Not every conversation you have with a grieving person has to be about the one they’re grieving just as you can have a conversation with a parent of a living baby that doesn't involve their child.

Many women end up blaming themselves after a loss. What advice would you give those suffering from all forms of infant loss; infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS?

– Do your research. Most losses have no “blame”. I felt like I should have known or I should have went to the hospital sooner but after doing some research I found that there was nothing I could have done and that helped quite a bit on my journey towards healing.

What have you learned about yourself having survived such a tragedy?

- I have found I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible.

Why is return to zero so important to you? What do you hope it will accomplish for you in your life and the lives of those around you?

- Return to Zero is a ground breaking movement and I hope that it truly breaks the silence. People need to know this happens every day. There are thousands of families that need support. We need to stop being forced into the shadows. Our children existed and they mattered. They should be just as talked about as the Kanye-Kim Kardashian baby.

Living with a post-partum body sans baby

I've never been all that confident about my body. I was ridiculed by some of my family for not being the same size as my cousins as a child and that sort of thing sticks with you. I was never overly confident but as I grew up and got out on my own I realized that the way my body looked didn't matter all that much. I didn't really hate my body. I could appreciate that it was a nice enough body and my man seemed to like it so I didn't give it a lot of thought outside of a changing room at a department store. (How depressing are those mirrors and harsh lights?)

When I was pregnant my body was-for the first time-something I truly loved and nurtured. I just felt all woman…beautiful and part of this bigger, cosmic picture. Even when I got my sudden stretch marks at around the 7 month mark I thought, “If this is all I have to go through to get a beautiful healthy baby it’s not a problem.” It wouldn't have been, either. I was so ready to be a mother I didn't care what I would have to give up or go through to have him. I know most mothers feel this way. Though they may be down on themselves from time to time about how they look they can look at their baby and say that it was all worth it. But what about those of us who went home with empty arms?

I remember getting out of the shower after coming home from the hospital feeling so tired and knowing I wouldn't sleep. I put a big glob of stretch mark cream in my hand and went to rub it on my belly only to find that I had too much lotion for this soft, empty, flabby sack that my hand sunk into. I knew that it was going to be different after the baby I just didn't think I’d have time to notice.

yup, that's me in all my "glory"

 I can’t describe the feelings I have about this too soft tummy that is covered in long red stretch marks. Not only am I a bit heavier than I would like to be I can’t even comfortably wear a bathing suit because my stretch marks are so extensive. I have been dress shopping lately for some photos I was planning on having done and I am too big for most regular sizes and too small for most plus sizes so I’m stuck here in this awkward size with all of these reminders of what I lost. I have been reading a lot of body positive posts lately and since they’re mostly aimed at BBW I feel like a lot of them don’t apply to me. I have looked up pictures of real beautiful women from before this plastic craze that is modern beauty and that’s helped some. I’m trying to eat healthier and get a workout routine that works,  (I am so not ready for the running plan I was going to try) but I am also choosing to accept who I am, as I am.

My battle scars are from a battle that will never truly be over…a battle to keep going, to keep my head above the surface just a little longer and even though I don’t have a baby here to prove that my marks came from something amazing I do have my story and I am proud of it.

a new direction

So, this is a strange feeling. I feel a little bit hopeful and hell of a lot more determined than I have in a while. I’m ready to start doing what I need to for me and not just what I feel like I should. I quit my job today and even though it’s scary doing something so drastic, I feel great. I’m going to try to get on somewhere part time because running a house + a full time job just wasn't working for me. My house looked like a tornado hit it and I needed some “me” time…time away from work and the house. I’m actually starting to feel like I have friends again and it’d be nice to have some time for them too. I need to start feeling like I’m living instead of just going through the motions. I feel like I've been asleep the majority of these last few months. I hate giving up full time work when I know that so many are struggling just to get a job but I did my best and it didn't work out so it’s time to move on.

(Photo: Getty Images Stock)

I’m going to start working out. Those words have come out of my mouth several times lately and I never seem to stick to it … I’m getting a team together for a March of Dimes walk in honor of Sebastian. The walk will be in September so I’d like to be in better shape by then. I am planning on getting up at 4:30 and heading to the park. This weather has made me yearn to be moving so I think that’s a good sign that I’m on the right track. I promised myself after Sebastian died that this would make me a better person and I've yet to really do anything towards that goal other than making it through the days. I want to live a happy, healthy life and I want to help people. I want my life to honor him and I’m done making excuses. I am the only one that can change my life and I’m on my way.

I Am Still Standing

I haven’t written in a while and honestly there hasn't been much to say because by the time I try to explain how I’m feeling, I’m feeling a different way. I have come quite a long way towards healing in the last month or so and I didn't even really notice it happening. That’s how it goes I guess…you just keep pushing yourself-doing your best, until you realize it’s moved you forward.

I ache for my son every day and sometimes I feel like I’m going to fall apart but I’m doing better. I hurt but I know that I am still so blessed…to have the love of my life next to me through the good and the bad, to have my family and the friends that have stuck around. I see life differently now and I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. I gave birth knowing that my baby wouldn't cry and that could have killed me but it didn't  I kissed him goodbye and that could have been the end for me, but it wasn't  I get up every day, I cook, I clean, I work, I love, and I live. I am still standing. I could stop talking about Sebastian, I could hide my grief and convince everyone that I've moved on but I won’t. My son deserves better than that. My son deserves to be remembered and that’s why I’m still standing. I stand to honor my son; I stand next to all of the other women across the world that have lost children in solidarity to break the silence so that no woman has to feel alone in this. I am a survivor and I am not alone.

A link to my story for anyone who hasn't read it.

To hear other women’s stories today or to share your own for International Bereaved Mother’s Day on Twitter, Instagram or Pinterest use the tag #Iamstillstanding

short and not too sweet

I hate that people pity me.  I really do. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to be a freak that people whisper about. I want to be normal. 

My dream is and has been for a long time to be a simple wife and mother; a wife to a loving man and a mother to a living, healthy baby. I would like to do other things, sure, but only as long as I can have that too. I don’t think that’s too much to ask and I haven’t given up hope but there are times when it seems like it’s never going to happen. I feel bitter and broken and I don’t want to be this way but grief is a powerful thing. It’s made me see things clearer, it’s made me value the little things and cling to what I have but it’s also left a hole in me, it’s made me a little darker. Death has touched me and it left its mark. This darkness makes it hurt to move, to breathe. I'm a part of some online loss groups and I see these women whose loss is newer than mine and I wish I could tell them it will be okay but I can't. I don't know what to say because I don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea how I get up every morning, how I greet people with a smile and make it through the day without falling apart. I feel like a fraud, a clown. I’m smiling but inside I’m dying. I have this need, this aching in my heart for my son and I can't get past it. I know it's only been two months but I feel like I'm making no progress in my healing. I act like I'm okay, I even convince myself sometimes but I'm not. I should be sleeping right now and instead I'm crying on my couch trying to get these feelings out to achieve a little peace-even if it's only for a few hours. What made me think I was ready to go to work? I know the answer to that; I had convinced myself I was doing alright. I had a week or so where I was acting like a regular person again and thought, "It's all downhill from here." What a crock. I fell apart tonight after seeing the child of a woman I hardly know. I see pictures of babies all the time but something about that picture just kicked me in the gut. I feel like I an idiot at work when I do anything wrong…no one’s said anything but I see it in their faces this reaction like, “Really? You forgot that?” or “Are you even here?” I’m not. I don’t know where I am but it’s not in this moment, this day. This shell of a person is just breathing and moving for me, playing the part of the woman I used to be. I'm not sure where I am or if I'll ever be back. I need to toughen up. I need to be strong. I need to figure this out. But for now, all I can do is keep going I guess.