6 months in, 6 months out

Sometimes I forget that I’m a loss mama, it’s rare but it happens. In moments when I’m caught up in something, busying my mind and body…I almost feel like I’m recovering from a bad dream. After a moment though I notice the weight on my shoulders…the permanent ache in my heart and it truly amazes me how six months can be enough time to start feeling like the way I feel now is normal. It’s kind of scary…getting to know the new me and realizing I will never be who I was before.

I try not to dwell on what could have been but when these big dates come along I can’t help but think Sebastian would be out of almost half of the clothes we had for him and he probably would have been growing out of his car seat soon. This milestone was a big one and it kind of surprised me that I was the only one who seemed to notice that the half year anniversary of his death came and went. That’s how it is I guess…it’s real to me all the time. It’s vivid and it doesn't ever really go away. I’m not reminded by certain things because it’s always there. I don’t mark dates or set alarms because its something I never stop noticing.

I sometimes feel like we've been forgotten by most people. After that first month we stopped getting cards and other than a few people I don’t hear from anyone anymore. It’s like everyone has decided that my story-my life is too sad to have around. I’m lonely. I’m doing the best I can to heal and for the most part I think I’m doing a pretty good job…I just wish I didn't have to feel so isolated doing so. I’m not sick, you can’t catch grief…being around me won’t make you have a stillborn. It could have been you or your sister…or your best friend. I did nothing to cause my loss and I don’t know why it makes me such an outcast.

I'm still hurting and I will continue to hurt. I am not going to wake up one day and be fixed. Just because your life goes on and the pain you feel about my situation lessens does not mean that it ever gets any easier for me. But even though you can’t expect me to get over it… it doesn't mean I can’t enjoy life. People never invite me to hang out anymore when they get groups together. I don’t understand why people act as if I died with my son. I've just been a little lonely like I said...it's nothing anyone has done or hasn't done. I know friendship is a two-way street...I guess I'm just afraid to go down it anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I may be a little down because of some things but life isn't bad. I've actually been doing better at keeping up around the house (fewer sad lazy days) and I just wrapped up a yard sale for the March of Dimes where I raised $200+… (exceeding the team goal of $350 when combined with donations we've gotten from friends and family online.) My next goal is to get back to my dog treat business…including catching up on a few pending orders I haven’t had time to complete (sorry guys!)

Thank you all (my readers) I know that I don’t write enough but I hope that you will continue to follow and share my blog with your friends. I got a touching note from a woman who ran across one of my blogs on Pinterest. She told me that she can relate and thanked me for writing because it helps to know there are people who feel the way she does and that’s what this is all about. I am trying to make Sebastian’s life meaningful to more than just our family.