Let’s start at the beginning...

First, let me say I’m not an English major…I barely remember anything I learned in high school about how to properly put together any sort of paper but I am pretty decent at spelling so I’ll try my best.

If you don’t know already I am starting this blog because I delivered a stillborn baby in January and I need an outlet. Also, I’m starting it because I know that there are people who would like to know what’s going on with me that I may not be able to be around/talk to yet. It’s hard to talk about how I feel because I am still in the early stages of grief and even going to the grocery store is still a challenge for me. I can talk to an empty computer screen all day and never feel self-conscious because I won’t feel bad about crying or like I’m not acting the “right” way. So, let’s start with my story up until now.

This wasn't our first pregnancy. I had a miscarriage that we didn't tell many people about in May of 2011.  When I got pregnant with Sebastian I was worried that it may happen again but I was cautiously hopeful about it and every milestone I hit in my pregnancy helped my fears slowly disappear. I made it to 14 weeks-the end of the first trimester, 20 weeks-the midway mark (when we found out we were having a boy!), and even 37 weeks-full term! I had an uncomplicated pregnancy; I never even got morning sickness. I had no doubt by the time my ninth month of pregnancy came around that what I had wanted for so long, to be a mom, was finally going to happen.

 All of that ended on Wednesday, January 23, 2013-8 days before my due date. I had been having contractions since Monday morning that were between 15 and 20 minutes apart but after doing squats and walking around all day Tuesday they finally regulated to about 5 minutes apart. It was time. I woke Scott up from bed after they had been consistent for a few hours because I wanted to be sure it was the real thing. After Scott got a shower and loaded the car we left to go pick up my mom before making the hour long drive to the hospital. Scott called his mom on the way and she told us she’d be headed there right behind us. We made it to the delivery room a few minutes after midnight and I changed into the gown and got into the bed. One of the nurses hooked me up to the monitors and I almost instantly knew that something was wrong. She kept moving the piece that should have been tracking his heartbeat around and said not to worry but I knew. I felt the same way I had the day in 2011 that I was getting an ultrasound and I saw the tech’s confused look when she saw a baby but no heartbeat. My baby was gone. I remember lying there acting oblivious to what was going on thinking that this had to be wrong. I was just being paranoid. I had heard his heartbeat at my regular appointment the Friday before.  My squirmy little boy was still there. He had to be. Everything was ready, I was in labor, and I was going to be going home a mother.

Somewhere between 3 nurses trying to find his heartbeat one of them checked me to see how far I was progressed. She said she was pretty sure I was 7 ½ cm dilated but that she wanted to go get my midwife to be sure. When my midwife, Susan came in she told me what none of the nurses had been able to tell me, that they couldn't find Sebastian’s heartbeat. She did an ultrasound and told me exactly what I knew she would say, “I’m so sorry, but your baby has passed.” I distantly remember my mom letting out a cry and leaving the room but what I remember most was staring into Scott’s eyes silently begging him to wake me up from this horrible nightmare. Susan went ahead and checked my cervix and told me I was fully dilated but that my contractions weren't doing anything so they would need to induce me so that I could deliver him but that I could decide when.

The staff left the room and I just cried. Scott went out to the waiting room to tell his mother and I just laid there in the room that should have been the setting for this new happy beginning for us that had in just a matter of minutes turned into the place that I would deliver my son’s lifeless body. I couldn't believe it. I was in so much pain with the contractions and the heartache that I had no idea how I would get through delivering him. I was so scared. The only thing that was getting me through was my Hypno-Babies breathing and I wasn't sure how long that was going to help. It took me about an hour to tell them I was ready to be induced. I didn't get an epidural because I had come in wanting to go through labor without one and I wanted to at least have that. I delivered Sebastian at 3:24am after what seemed like hours of pushing but I know was probably only 30 minutes or so. The whole time I was pushing I pretended it was possible that he was okay-I think that thinking like that was the only thing that kept me going. My baby boy was born silent. He had gotten the cord wrapped around his neck and at some point just passed. She asked me if I wanted to hold him and I was so shaky and upset that I couldn't so instead she held him up and showed him to me. He was so beautiful. I saw his Daddy’s features in him even in that few moments before they put him in the bassinet. My midwife said that it looked like he had passed a few days before so I think that his passing was what triggered my labor but I don’t know that for certain.

As I was recovering Scott went and got his mother and we all held him for a while. He had the sweetest rose-bud lips and his brow was furrowed a little and all I wanted to do was to be able to kiss his troubles away. I wanted him to wake up and look at me. I had our son’s body in my arms but he wasn't really there. That was not the sweet baby I had been looking forward to for 9 months. Our dreams about our son were shattered. The very worst moment was kissing him before giving him back to Scott for the last time because I knew that it was going to be my last moment with my first born on Earth. It is the most impossible pain to describe because a month ago when it was happening I didn't even believe I could survive it. He should be home with us, I shouldn't feel so empty. We had been waiting for nine months to be his parents: we loved him, we prepared for him, we did everything right, everything was ready and our baby boy never even got to breathe outside of the womb.

At this point I’m doing better than I was but I have had really bad moments. There are times when I blame myself so much that I don’t feel like I ever deserve to be happy again. It helps me to know that my son is with me now, just in a different way and he knows what I know deep down…that there was nothing I could have done to stop this and that I will make it through this. I am still a mother, I just don’t get the experiences most women have with their babies. Instead I have an angel that I can only see in my dreams who will be with me forever.