Living with a post-partum body sans baby

I've never been all that confident about my body. I was ridiculed by some of my family for not being the same size as my cousins as a child and that sort of thing sticks with you. I was never overly confident but as I grew up and got out on my own I realized that the way my body looked didn't matter all that much. I didn't really hate my body. I could appreciate that it was a nice enough body and my man seemed to like it so I didn't give it a lot of thought outside of a changing room at a department store. (How depressing are those mirrors and harsh lights?)

When I was pregnant my body was-for the first time-something I truly loved and nurtured. I just felt all woman…beautiful and part of this bigger, cosmic picture. Even when I got my sudden stretch marks at around the 7 month mark I thought, “If this is all I have to go through to get a beautiful healthy baby it’s not a problem.” It wouldn't have been, either. I was so ready to be a mother I didn't care what I would have to give up or go through to have him. I know most mothers feel this way. Though they may be down on themselves from time to time about how they look they can look at their baby and say that it was all worth it. But what about those of us who went home with empty arms?

I remember getting out of the shower after coming home from the hospital feeling so tired and knowing I wouldn't sleep. I put a big glob of stretch mark cream in my hand and went to rub it on my belly only to find that I had too much lotion for this soft, empty, flabby sack that my hand sunk into. I knew that it was going to be different after the baby I just didn't think I’d have time to notice.

yup, that's me in all my "glory"

 I can’t describe the feelings I have about this too soft tummy that is covered in long red stretch marks. Not only am I a bit heavier than I would like to be I can’t even comfortably wear a bathing suit because my stretch marks are so extensive. I have been dress shopping lately for some photos I was planning on having done and I am too big for most regular sizes and too small for most plus sizes so I’m stuck here in this awkward size with all of these reminders of what I lost. I have been reading a lot of body positive posts lately and since they’re mostly aimed at BBW I feel like a lot of them don’t apply to me. I have looked up pictures of real beautiful women from before this plastic craze that is modern beauty and that’s helped some. I’m trying to eat healthier and get a workout routine that works,  (I am so not ready for the running plan I was going to try) but I am also choosing to accept who I am, as I am.

My battle scars are from a battle that will never truly be over…a battle to keep going, to keep my head above the surface just a little longer and even though I don’t have a baby here to prove that my marks came from something amazing I do have my story and I am proud of it.