Your name? - Sarah Harvey
Would you care to share a little of your story and what happened? What was your emotional state after experiencing this loss?
-My son was born still one day shy of 39 weeks gestation. I had a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy until the day I found out he passed. He died from a nuchal cord, it happens in a lot of pregnancies but it’s very rare that is causes problems. I was a mess after we lost him, I lived out of habit in a daze for a while before I finally snapped out of it because I realized I need to make my son's life matter. I will live for him. I am choosing to use my story/experience to do something positive. I have been told I can write in a way that not only tells my stories but explains the feelings with my blog and I hope that that helps not only others who have been through it but also family, friends, and others who know someone who have been through such a loss understand how it feels.
How has your emotional state changed over time?
-Almost 5 months later I have achieved a sort of peace. I was a wreck at first but I am learning to live again.
What are some of the helpful things people did to show their love and support right after your loss?
-The most helpful thing people can do is just to be there, I felt so alone because I really didn't know how common late loss is. I felt like no one would understand or that people would blame me and I was pleasantly surprised at how much support I got…phone calls, e-mails, visits, cards…it all helped.
What are some things that you wish people had done to support you after your initial loss, what would have been helpful?
-I wish some people had not been asking so many personal questions. A lot of people I barely knew were asking me if we were planning on trying again less than a month after we lost our son.
After time, most our friends and family continue on with their lives. What can they do to continue to show support; one month, one year, 2 years, etc. later?
-Talk about it. Break the silence, so to speak. Our children existed and we want to talk about them, to celebrate them.
What are some definite no/no’s, actions, advice that friends and family should avoid saying or doing? How were such things hurtful? Don’t tell us “God has a plan.” It’s not helpful. Don’t tell us we can have more…some of us can’t and even if we can there is –no- replacing the child(ren) we lost. Basically just don’t make assumptions. It’s not better this way, it just is and we are living with it in our own way.
Many people that have gone through the loss of a child are secluded because people do not know what to say or how to act around them. What is some advice that you can give these people to help them not feel so unsure on how to approach you?
-Talk to them as if they are parents because they are. They may not have children running around making their lives crazy but they are parents. Talk to them about their beautiful child and if they don’t want to talk about it talk to them about what you would with anyone else. Not every conversation you have with a grieving person has to be about the one they’re grieving just as you can have a conversation with a parent of a living baby that doesn't involve their child.
Many women end up blaming themselves after a loss. What advice would you give those suffering from all forms of infant loss; infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS?
– Do your research. Most losses have no “blame”. I felt like I should have known or I should have went to the hospital sooner but after doing some research I found that there was nothing I could have done and that helped quite a bit on my journey towards healing.
What have you learned about yourself having survived such a tragedy?
- I have found I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible.
Why is return to zero so important to you? What do you hope it will accomplish for you in your life and the lives of those around you?
- Return to Zero is a ground breaking movement and I hope that it truly breaks the silence. People need to know this happens every day. There are thousands of families that need support. We need to stop being forced into the shadows. Our children existed and they mattered. They should be just as talked about as the Kanye-Kim Kardashian baby.
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