Living with a post-partum body sans baby

I've never been all that confident about my body. I was ridiculed by some of my family for not being the same size as my cousins as a child and that sort of thing sticks with you. I was never overly confident but as I grew up and got out on my own I realized that the way my body looked didn't matter all that much. I didn't really hate my body. I could appreciate that it was a nice enough body and my man seemed to like it so I didn't give it a lot of thought outside of a changing room at a department store. (How depressing are those mirrors and harsh lights?)

When I was pregnant my body was-for the first time-something I truly loved and nurtured. I just felt all woman…beautiful and part of this bigger, cosmic picture. Even when I got my sudden stretch marks at around the 7 month mark I thought, “If this is all I have to go through to get a beautiful healthy baby it’s not a problem.” It wouldn't have been, either. I was so ready to be a mother I didn't care what I would have to give up or go through to have him. I know most mothers feel this way. Though they may be down on themselves from time to time about how they look they can look at their baby and say that it was all worth it. But what about those of us who went home with empty arms?

I remember getting out of the shower after coming home from the hospital feeling so tired and knowing I wouldn't sleep. I put a big glob of stretch mark cream in my hand and went to rub it on my belly only to find that I had too much lotion for this soft, empty, flabby sack that my hand sunk into. I knew that it was going to be different after the baby I just didn't think I’d have time to notice.

yup, that's me in all my "glory"

 I can’t describe the feelings I have about this too soft tummy that is covered in long red stretch marks. Not only am I a bit heavier than I would like to be I can’t even comfortably wear a bathing suit because my stretch marks are so extensive. I have been dress shopping lately for some photos I was planning on having done and I am too big for most regular sizes and too small for most plus sizes so I’m stuck here in this awkward size with all of these reminders of what I lost. I have been reading a lot of body positive posts lately and since they’re mostly aimed at BBW I feel like a lot of them don’t apply to me. I have looked up pictures of real beautiful women from before this plastic craze that is modern beauty and that’s helped some. I’m trying to eat healthier and get a workout routine that works,  (I am so not ready for the running plan I was going to try) but I am also choosing to accept who I am, as I am.

My battle scars are from a battle that will never truly be over…a battle to keep going, to keep my head above the surface just a little longer and even though I don’t have a baby here to prove that my marks came from something amazing I do have my story and I am proud of it.

a new direction

So, this is a strange feeling. I feel a little bit hopeful and hell of a lot more determined than I have in a while. I’m ready to start doing what I need to for me and not just what I feel like I should. I quit my job today and even though it’s scary doing something so drastic, I feel great. I’m going to try to get on somewhere part time because running a house + a full time job just wasn't working for me. My house looked like a tornado hit it and I needed some “me” time…time away from work and the house. I’m actually starting to feel like I have friends again and it’d be nice to have some time for them too. I need to start feeling like I’m living instead of just going through the motions. I feel like I've been asleep the majority of these last few months. I hate giving up full time work when I know that so many are struggling just to get a job but I did my best and it didn't work out so it’s time to move on.

(Photo: Getty Images Stock)

I’m going to start working out. Those words have come out of my mouth several times lately and I never seem to stick to it … I’m getting a team together for a March of Dimes walk in honor of Sebastian. The walk will be in September so I’d like to be in better shape by then. I am planning on getting up at 4:30 and heading to the park. This weather has made me yearn to be moving so I think that’s a good sign that I’m on the right track. I promised myself after Sebastian died that this would make me a better person and I've yet to really do anything towards that goal other than making it through the days. I want to live a happy, healthy life and I want to help people. I want my life to honor him and I’m done making excuses. I am the only one that can change my life and I’m on my way.

I Am Still Standing

I haven’t written in a while and honestly there hasn't been much to say because by the time I try to explain how I’m feeling, I’m feeling a different way. I have come quite a long way towards healing in the last month or so and I didn't even really notice it happening. That’s how it goes I guess…you just keep pushing yourself-doing your best, until you realize it’s moved you forward.

I ache for my son every day and sometimes I feel like I’m going to fall apart but I’m doing better. I hurt but I know that I am still so blessed…to have the love of my life next to me through the good and the bad, to have my family and the friends that have stuck around. I see life differently now and I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. I gave birth knowing that my baby wouldn't cry and that could have killed me but it didn't  I kissed him goodbye and that could have been the end for me, but it wasn't  I get up every day, I cook, I clean, I work, I love, and I live. I am still standing. I could stop talking about Sebastian, I could hide my grief and convince everyone that I've moved on but I won’t. My son deserves better than that. My son deserves to be remembered and that’s why I’m still standing. I stand to honor my son; I stand next to all of the other women across the world that have lost children in solidarity to break the silence so that no woman has to feel alone in this. I am a survivor and I am not alone.

A link to my story for anyone who hasn't read it.

To hear other women’s stories today or to share your own for International Bereaved Mother’s Day on Twitter, Instagram or Pinterest use the tag #Iamstillstanding