On Being a Hermit

I haven’t been out much since we lost Sebastian. I can’t bear it. We go out of town to get groceries every two weeks so that we don’t run into many people we know and I try to have someone with me if I need to get something else in town. I tried at first, to resume my normal routines…going to get lunch with my brother, getting an occasional treat at the dollar store, but it got to be too much. I had a woman I used to work with call out in a crowded restaurant, “Oh my gosh! You had your baby.” and I had to tell her in front of all those people that yes, I had but he was stillborn. She felt so bad for saying anything that I ended up saying, “It’s alright.” trying to console her and that’s when I knew that I wasn't ready to be out around people I know. Saying those words felt like a betrayal to my son. It wasn't alright. It isn't alright and it never really will be.

Another reason I've been in or by myself so much is because I honestly don’t know how to be around people. I can’t bear not being able to talk about our son but I am not going to be someone who brings other people down with me. Two of the people closest to me in my family change the subject any time his name comes up. I know it’s because they don’t know how to help but I wish people would realize that all I need is someone to acknowledge him sometimes. He was here, he touched our lives and for me he will never be in the past. I could have ten living babies and I would still want to talk about him, to hear his name brought up, to reminisce on one of the happiest times of my life…

stock image from morgueFile.com

At first, when the crying all the time stopped I thought I could hang out with friends again and I have spent some time with a few people I’m close to, but any time I try to make plans with someone I get scared. I’m afraid of breaking down with them, I’m afraid that they’ll unintentionally say something upsetting, and I’m worried that being around my friends’ children is going to be something I can’t handle. So, sometimes I blow off plans and I don’t answer my phone much. This is how I’m dealing and some of my friends may not have the patience for it and that’s fine. They can go on with their lives without me in them, I’ll be okay. Some days I feel so alone in the world and I need people that are going to be there to just come spend time with me even if it’s just sitting around but I understand that some people just can’t be that person. It’s an impossible situation to understand and I know that it is equally impossible to really know what to do for me but this is a journey we have no road map for and we’re just going to have to learn as we go and do what we can to get through this.