short and not too sweet

I hate that people pity me.  I really do. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to be a freak that people whisper about. I want to be normal. 

My dream is and has been for a long time to be a simple wife and mother; a wife to a loving man and a mother to a living, healthy baby. I would like to do other things, sure, but only as long as I can have that too. I don’t think that’s too much to ask and I haven’t given up hope but there are times when it seems like it’s never going to happen. I feel bitter and broken and I don’t want to be this way but grief is a powerful thing. It’s made me see things clearer, it’s made me value the little things and cling to what I have but it’s also left a hole in me, it’s made me a little darker. Death has touched me and it left its mark. This darkness makes it hurt to move, to breathe. I'm a part of some online loss groups and I see these women whose loss is newer than mine and I wish I could tell them it will be okay but I can't. I don't know what to say because I don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea how I get up every morning, how I greet people with a smile and make it through the day without falling apart. I feel like a fraud, a clown. I’m smiling but inside I’m dying. I have this need, this aching in my heart for my son and I can't get past it. I know it's only been two months but I feel like I'm making no progress in my healing. I act like I'm okay, I even convince myself sometimes but I'm not. I should be sleeping right now and instead I'm crying on my couch trying to get these feelings out to achieve a little peace-even if it's only for a few hours. What made me think I was ready to go to work? I know the answer to that; I had convinced myself I was doing alright. I had a week or so where I was acting like a regular person again and thought, "It's all downhill from here." What a crock. I fell apart tonight after seeing the child of a woman I hardly know. I see pictures of babies all the time but something about that picture just kicked me in the gut. I feel like I an idiot at work when I do anything wrong…no one’s said anything but I see it in their faces this reaction like, “Really? You forgot that?” or “Are you even here?” I’m not. I don’t know where I am but it’s not in this moment, this day. This shell of a person is just breathing and moving for me, playing the part of the woman I used to be. I'm not sure where I am or if I'll ever be back. I need to toughen up. I need to be strong. I need to figure this out. But for now, all I can do is keep going I guess.

I hope. (and so should you)

I think of a lot of things when I think of hope. I think of rainbows, sunsets, babies, and chocolate chip cookies. I am full of hope even after all of that I've seen, all that I've been through. I hope because I know that this can’t be it. I will not let some bad times take away my ability to have good ones. I have some dark days, I have bad moments, but hope shows me the silver lining. I feel robbed sometimes but I know that I've got to keep going and to honor my son by seeing the good in things. Though I see no good in losing him, I believe it's making me a better person. I'm pausing to enjoy the little things, I'm learning to forgive people I should have a long time ago and I'm being easier on everyone-even myself.

Rainbow Maui, from nationalgeographic.com

I start a new job Monday and it terrifies me. I wanted to be a stay at home mother and here I am, childless moving forward in a life without my son. I’m worried that I may not be as ready as I think I am to be in a working environment after all this time away. As scared as it makes me I feel like this is a good thing for me. I hope that the extra money helps us further our efforts at getting our life together and I hope that having something to keep me busy will help my healing process. There aren't guarantees but I really believe that this will bring good things into our lives. That’s hope. I look around sometimes and see the love in the world, the beauty…I have so many things to hope for and so do each one of you.

Now it’s time to get mushy. I see so much negativity around and it’s time for a pep talk! This is a message to everyone:  do your best to hope, dream, and love to the fullest. If you've been putting off something you know you should do, do it now. Go for what you want, what you need out of life. Our time on Earth is precious and no matter what you've been through or what you've done, you deserve to be happy.  I don’t know where I would be without the support of each and every one of you so if you ever doubt that you mean something think about that.

Feel free to share these posts with your friends too. :) I love sharing with everyone.

On Being a Hermit

I haven’t been out much since we lost Sebastian. I can’t bear it. We go out of town to get groceries every two weeks so that we don’t run into many people we know and I try to have someone with me if I need to get something else in town. I tried at first, to resume my normal routines…going to get lunch with my brother, getting an occasional treat at the dollar store, but it got to be too much. I had a woman I used to work with call out in a crowded restaurant, “Oh my gosh! You had your baby.” and I had to tell her in front of all those people that yes, I had but he was stillborn. She felt so bad for saying anything that I ended up saying, “It’s alright.” trying to console her and that’s when I knew that I wasn't ready to be out around people I know. Saying those words felt like a betrayal to my son. It wasn't alright. It isn't alright and it never really will be.

Another reason I've been in or by myself so much is because I honestly don’t know how to be around people. I can’t bear not being able to talk about our son but I am not going to be someone who brings other people down with me. Two of the people closest to me in my family change the subject any time his name comes up. I know it’s because they don’t know how to help but I wish people would realize that all I need is someone to acknowledge him sometimes. He was here, he touched our lives and for me he will never be in the past. I could have ten living babies and I would still want to talk about him, to hear his name brought up, to reminisce on one of the happiest times of my life…

stock image from morgueFile.com

At first, when the crying all the time stopped I thought I could hang out with friends again and I have spent some time with a few people I’m close to, but any time I try to make plans with someone I get scared. I’m afraid of breaking down with them, I’m afraid that they’ll unintentionally say something upsetting, and I’m worried that being around my friends’ children is going to be something I can’t handle. So, sometimes I blow off plans and I don’t answer my phone much. This is how I’m dealing and some of my friends may not have the patience for it and that’s fine. They can go on with their lives without me in them, I’ll be okay. Some days I feel so alone in the world and I need people that are going to be there to just come spend time with me even if it’s just sitting around but I understand that some people just can’t be that person. It’s an impossible situation to understand and I know that it is equally impossible to really know what to do for me but this is a journey we have no road map for and we’re just going to have to learn as we go and do what we can to get through this.