Let's Talk About Prince (from a loss mother and huge fan)

I know many people are tired of hearing about Prince but I can't stop thinking about what a big deal his death has been for me.

Prince Nelson Rogers was (obviously) an amazing talent who helped show the world that gender isn't black and white (or blue and pink). He also wrote, sang, danced, acted and much more. He was one of the few living legends we have been fortunate to have in our lifetime. He never had the normal scandals celebrities seem to attract after a few years in the spotlight-sex scandals, addiction, rehab, to name a few. He meant a lot to so many people and with his sudden passing I believe he is touching even more.

I wasn't always a fan, it wasn't music I heard growing up, my mother listened to country and my older brother listened to a variety of music I wasn't that into but when I started branching out on my own as a teen I discovered the magic of the Purple One. I have had Purple Rain on DVD since I was 18 and Scott and I have been singing along to his music since we've been together. I will miss knowing that such a bright light was shining somewhere in the world. But, something that hit me so hard with his death was learning more about how another death shaped his life. See, Prince had a wife once and son. His son's name was Boy Gregory Nelson and he died a week after he was born. The loss, along with a miscarriage shortly after, ripped his marriage apart.  He had many loved ones and though he did marry again shortly after his divorce was final, it didn't last. He ultimately died "alone" by society's definition. He never had any more children. He was a man who was wounded beyond what most people can even imagine.

I have been incredibly lucky to go on to have my rainbow daughter after the loss of my son and to have another child on the way but there are so many in the loss community who never get another "chance" at parenting here on Earth and it is a heartbreaking reality that no one really wants to talk about. My relationship with my children's father is sometimes hard to maintain and while I know that our loss brought us closer together short term, I can't help but wonder how much it's a contributing factor in those times when it feels like we would be better off apart. Can you really move on after such a traumatic loss? I have accepted it, I have forgiven myself and others that I feel contributed but I will never be the same and I know Scott is changed as much as I am.

Prince Rogers Nelson with former wife, Mayte Garcia.

Prince Rogers Nelson was a musical genius but he was also a human being so no matter what comes out from his autopsy I will always adore him. He was,  after all, part of this exclusive club that no one wants to be a member of and the #1 rule of Child Loss Club is you love and support all members. We follow this rule because we know what it is to have a huge part of you  die with your child and come back just enough to keep playing the part of your old life. I'm sure Prince was at peace, I'm sure he had a good life but I imagine he was happy to get back to his son as well.

My Beliefs

Disclaimer: I will delete judgmental comments and maybe even judgmental friends so please read and reply with caution if you read it. I don't judge you for how you believe and I not only expect the same from my friends and family, I demand it.

#CaptureYourGrief Day 10 is Beliefs. This is a difficult topic for me to post about because I’m in a complicated place where beliefs are concerned. I almost don’t feel comfortable posting it because I tried once in a “support group” and got ambushed by people who told me how wrong I was but since the rule is no judging in this project I am going to hope the same will apply to those on my friends list and go ahead.

I used to believe whole-heartedly that God was up there and everything happened for a reason. I've always believed that many of the problems God is blamed for are man-made...world hunger for example. We could, as a society stop world hunger. If people were less concerned with lining their pockets and looking out for #1 we could feed the world. Global warming - if people cared more about the consequences of their actions than convenience MANKIND could fix that problem as mankind caused it. But tell me how you can write off the death of my full term son as something "God" planned. The preacher at his service, of course, didn't know what to say but he related a story of a family member who had been through something similar and said that had she not went through what she did then she may have never had her other children and he loved her other children which would be a good point for some but I had planned on having as many children as I could so where does that leave me? Some people say, "Well, maybe God was protecting him from a worse fate later on" THEN WHY EVEN LET ME CONCEIVE HIM? WHY would you let a woman go through all that I did and fall in love with the child growing in her womb just to take him back at the last second?

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that maybe someday I will be a mother to a living child here on Earth but that hope is not something I believe as a fact in the same way that I don't believe it as fact that God exists. I hope he does. I hope he will help me out of this but I don't -know- that he will. I still pray, I still like to believe there is someone up there but I don’t believe that he has control over everything. I can’t. I can’t believe that there is a God who could have saved my son but didn't  I can’t believe that someone chose for me to carry my little boy for 9 months just to take him away.

The question that I will ask every time I think about it is, if he wasn't meant to live then why did I get pregnant with him? Why let us fall in love with someone who was not going to be with us for very long? The only reason that makes any sense is that there is no reason for a child to be full term and then die before it sees the world so if there is no reason to allow such things then there is no one up there "allowing" things to happen. They just do. Maybe God’s purpose is to comfort us during the inevitable. Maybe I’ll never really know but I’m comfortable with where I am in my beliefs and I’m sorry if they upset anyone, I really am but I could sit at this desk for a year trying to explain how I've gotten to this point and never truly be able to get you to understand. All I can say is that I respect all beliefs and am in no way saying the way I think is "the" way.

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If you would like to be a part of the Capture Your Grief Project it is not too late, hop on over to the  Facebook event page here.

6 months in, 6 months out

Sometimes I forget that I’m a loss mama, it’s rare but it happens. In moments when I’m caught up in something, busying my mind and body…I almost feel like I’m recovering from a bad dream. After a moment though I notice the weight on my shoulders…the permanent ache in my heart and it truly amazes me how six months can be enough time to start feeling like the way I feel now is normal. It’s kind of scary…getting to know the new me and realizing I will never be who I was before.

I try not to dwell on what could have been but when these big dates come along I can’t help but think Sebastian would be out of almost half of the clothes we had for him and he probably would have been growing out of his car seat soon. This milestone was a big one and it kind of surprised me that I was the only one who seemed to notice that the half year anniversary of his death came and went. That’s how it is I guess…it’s real to me all the time. It’s vivid and it doesn't ever really go away. I’m not reminded by certain things because it’s always there. I don’t mark dates or set alarms because its something I never stop noticing.

I sometimes feel like we've been forgotten by most people. After that first month we stopped getting cards and other than a few people I don’t hear from anyone anymore. It’s like everyone has decided that my story-my life is too sad to have around. I’m lonely. I’m doing the best I can to heal and for the most part I think I’m doing a pretty good job…I just wish I didn't have to feel so isolated doing so. I’m not sick, you can’t catch grief…being around me won’t make you have a stillborn. It could have been you or your sister…or your best friend. I did nothing to cause my loss and I don’t know why it makes me such an outcast.

I'm still hurting and I will continue to hurt. I am not going to wake up one day and be fixed. Just because your life goes on and the pain you feel about my situation lessens does not mean that it ever gets any easier for me. But even though you can’t expect me to get over it… it doesn't mean I can’t enjoy life. People never invite me to hang out anymore when they get groups together. I don’t understand why people act as if I died with my son. I've just been a little lonely like I said...it's nothing anyone has done or hasn't done. I know friendship is a two-way street...I guess I'm just afraid to go down it anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I may be a little down because of some things but life isn't bad. I've actually been doing better at keeping up around the house (fewer sad lazy days) and I just wrapped up a yard sale for the March of Dimes where I raised $200+… (exceeding the team goal of $350 when combined with donations we've gotten from friends and family online.) My next goal is to get back to my dog treat business…including catching up on a few pending orders I haven’t had time to complete (sorry guys!)

Thank you all (my readers) I know that I don’t write enough but I hope that you will continue to follow and share my blog with your friends. I got a touching note from a woman who ran across one of my blogs on Pinterest. She told me that she can relate and thanked me for writing because it helps to know there are people who feel the way she does and that’s what this is all about. I am trying to make Sebastian’s life meaningful to more than just our family. 

Keeping busy...

wouldn't it be nice if people warned you they were going to give it sometimes?

I've gotten a lot of advice since Sebastian's death...some of it's been good and some has been completely absurd. I'm sure this is mostly because everyone greives differently and not everything works for everyone. One of the best pieces of advice that I've gotten for coping is to stay busy and that’s what I've been doing lately.

I am currently working on raising money for the March of Dimes, starting my own business, working on my body, exploring a new belief, taking care of 3 dogs and 3 puppies, cooking, cleaning and keeping things running smoothly for my family-not to mention keeping up my with my online support groups. I would write more here but lately every time I sit down to write I can’t complete a thought. My mind is going a thousand miles a minute all the time and this is just part of the process for me, I guess. I know this is going to sound corny and come off a lot more spiritual than I mean it to but this year is like being born again.

In the past five months I have been working on becoming a different person. Not really that different, just…the kind of person I've wanted to be my whole life but for some reason haven’t been able to. I want to be the kind of person that you can come to for anything, the kind of person that people look up to, I want to make a difference and show the world that it hasn't broken me. I have forgiven myself, I have accepted the loss-as well as I can, and I am moving forward. I think of him every day…many times a day. I still cry, I still get mad, and I fail over and over at what I want to do but I am living again and it’s a pretty good feeling.

My Return to Zero Utah Interview

One of my loss support groups asked us if we would be interested in doing an interview, this is a copy of what I sent in. <3

Your name? - Sarah Harvey

Would you care to share a little of your story and what happened? What was your emotional state after experiencing this loss? 

-My son was born still one day shy of 39 weeks gestation. I had a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy until the day I found out he passed. He died from a nuchal cord, it happens in a lot of pregnancies but it’s very rare that is causes problems. I was a mess after we lost him, I lived out of habit in a daze for a while before I finally snapped out of it because I realized I need to make my son's life matter. I will live for him. I am choosing to use my story/experience to do something positive. I have been told I can write in a way that not only tells my stories but explains the feelings with my blog and I hope that that helps not only others who have been through it but also family, friends, and others who know someone who have been through such a loss understand how it feels.

How has your emotional state changed over time?

-Almost 5 months later I have achieved a sort of peace. I was a wreck at first but I am learning to live again.

What are some of the helpful things people did to show their love and support right after your loss?

-The most helpful thing people can do is just to be there, I felt so alone because I really didn't know how common late loss is. I felt like no one would understand or that people would blame me and I was pleasantly surprised at how much support I got…phone calls, e-mails, visits, cards…it all helped.

What are some things that you wish people had done to support you after your initial loss, what would have been helpful?

-I wish some people had not been asking so many personal questions. A lot of people I barely knew were asking me if we were planning on trying again less than a month after we lost our son.

After time, most our friends and family continue on with their lives. What can they do to continue to show support; one month, one year, 2 years, etc. later?

-Talk about it. Break the silence, so to speak. Our children existed and we want to talk about them, to celebrate them.

What are some definite no/no’s, actions, advice that friends and family should avoid saying or doing? How were such things hurtful? Don’t tell us “God has a plan.” It’s not helpful. Don’t tell us we can have more…some of us can’t and even if we can there is –no- replacing the child(ren) we lost. Basically just don’t make assumptions. It’s not better this way, it just is and we are living with it in our own way.

Many people that have gone through the loss of a child are secluded because people do not know what to say or how to act around them. What is some advice that you can give these people to help them not feel so unsure on how to approach you?

-Talk to them as if they are parents because they are. They may not have children running around making their lives crazy but they are parents. Talk to them about their beautiful child and if they don’t want to talk about it talk to them about what you would with anyone else. Not every conversation you have with a grieving person has to be about the one they’re grieving just as you can have a conversation with a parent of a living baby that doesn't involve their child.

Many women end up blaming themselves after a loss. What advice would you give those suffering from all forms of infant loss; infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS?

– Do your research. Most losses have no “blame”. I felt like I should have known or I should have went to the hospital sooner but after doing some research I found that there was nothing I could have done and that helped quite a bit on my journey towards healing.

What have you learned about yourself having survived such a tragedy?

- I have found I am a stronger person than I ever thought possible.

Why is return to zero so important to you? What do you hope it will accomplish for you in your life and the lives of those around you?

- Return to Zero is a ground breaking movement and I hope that it truly breaks the silence. People need to know this happens every day. There are thousands of families that need support. We need to stop being forced into the shadows. Our children existed and they mattered. They should be just as talked about as the Kanye-Kim Kardashian baby.

Living with a post-partum body sans baby

I've never been all that confident about my body. I was ridiculed by some of my family for not being the same size as my cousins as a child and that sort of thing sticks with you. I was never overly confident but as I grew up and got out on my own I realized that the way my body looked didn't matter all that much. I didn't really hate my body. I could appreciate that it was a nice enough body and my man seemed to like it so I didn't give it a lot of thought outside of a changing room at a department store. (How depressing are those mirrors and harsh lights?)

When I was pregnant my body was-for the first time-something I truly loved and nurtured. I just felt all woman…beautiful and part of this bigger, cosmic picture. Even when I got my sudden stretch marks at around the 7 month mark I thought, “If this is all I have to go through to get a beautiful healthy baby it’s not a problem.” It wouldn't have been, either. I was so ready to be a mother I didn't care what I would have to give up or go through to have him. I know most mothers feel this way. Though they may be down on themselves from time to time about how they look they can look at their baby and say that it was all worth it. But what about those of us who went home with empty arms?

I remember getting out of the shower after coming home from the hospital feeling so tired and knowing I wouldn't sleep. I put a big glob of stretch mark cream in my hand and went to rub it on my belly only to find that I had too much lotion for this soft, empty, flabby sack that my hand sunk into. I knew that it was going to be different after the baby I just didn't think I’d have time to notice.

yup, that's me in all my "glory"

 I can’t describe the feelings I have about this too soft tummy that is covered in long red stretch marks. Not only am I a bit heavier than I would like to be I can’t even comfortably wear a bathing suit because my stretch marks are so extensive. I have been dress shopping lately for some photos I was planning on having done and I am too big for most regular sizes and too small for most plus sizes so I’m stuck here in this awkward size with all of these reminders of what I lost. I have been reading a lot of body positive posts lately and since they’re mostly aimed at BBW I feel like a lot of them don’t apply to me. I have looked up pictures of real beautiful women from before this plastic craze that is modern beauty and that’s helped some. I’m trying to eat healthier and get a workout routine that works,  (I am so not ready for the running plan I was going to try) but I am also choosing to accept who I am, as I am.

My battle scars are from a battle that will never truly be over…a battle to keep going, to keep my head above the surface just a little longer and even though I don’t have a baby here to prove that my marks came from something amazing I do have my story and I am proud of it.

a new direction

So, this is a strange feeling. I feel a little bit hopeful and hell of a lot more determined than I have in a while. I’m ready to start doing what I need to for me and not just what I feel like I should. I quit my job today and even though it’s scary doing something so drastic, I feel great. I’m going to try to get on somewhere part time because running a house + a full time job just wasn't working for me. My house looked like a tornado hit it and I needed some “me” time…time away from work and the house. I’m actually starting to feel like I have friends again and it’d be nice to have some time for them too. I need to start feeling like I’m living instead of just going through the motions. I feel like I've been asleep the majority of these last few months. I hate giving up full time work when I know that so many are struggling just to get a job but I did my best and it didn't work out so it’s time to move on.

(Photo: Getty Images Stock)

I’m going to start working out. Those words have come out of my mouth several times lately and I never seem to stick to it … I’m getting a team together for a March of Dimes walk in honor of Sebastian. The walk will be in September so I’d like to be in better shape by then. I am planning on getting up at 4:30 and heading to the park. This weather has made me yearn to be moving so I think that’s a good sign that I’m on the right track. I promised myself after Sebastian died that this would make me a better person and I've yet to really do anything towards that goal other than making it through the days. I want to live a happy, healthy life and I want to help people. I want my life to honor him and I’m done making excuses. I am the only one that can change my life and I’m on my way.