Disclaimer: I will delete judgmental comments and maybe even judgmental friends so please read and reply with caution if you read it. I don't judge you for how you believe and I not only expect the same from my friends and family, I demand it.
#CaptureYourGrief Day 10 is Beliefs. This is a difficult topic for me to post about because I’m in a complicated place where beliefs are concerned. I almost don’t feel comfortable posting it because I tried once in a “support group” and got ambushed by people who told me how wrong I was but since the rule is no judging in this project I am going to hope the same will apply to those on my friends list and go ahead.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that maybe someday I will be a mother to a living child here on Earth but that hope is not something I believe as a fact in the same way that I don't believe it as fact that God exists. I hope he does. I hope he will help me out of this but I don't -know- that he will. I still pray, I still like to believe there is someone up there but I don’t believe that he has control over everything. I can’t. I can’t believe that there is a God who could have saved my son but didn't I can’t believe that someone chose for me to carry my little boy for 9 months just to take him away.
The question that I will ask every time I think about it is, if he wasn't meant to live then why did I get pregnant with him? Why let us fall in love with someone who was not going to be with us for very long? The only reason that makes any sense is that there is no reason for a child to be full term and then die before it sees the world so if there is no reason to allow such things then there is no one up there "allowing" things to happen. They just do. Maybe God’s purpose is to comfort us during the inevitable. Maybe I’ll never really know but I’m comfortable with where I am in my beliefs and I’m sorry if they upset anyone, I really am but I could sit at this desk for a year trying to explain how I've gotten to this point and never truly be able to get you to understand. All I can say is that I respect all beliefs and am in no way saying the way I think is "the" way.
#CaptureYourGrief Day 10 is Beliefs. This is a difficult topic for me to post about because I’m in a complicated place where beliefs are concerned. I almost don’t feel comfortable posting it because I tried once in a “support group” and got ambushed by people who told me how wrong I was but since the rule is no judging in this project I am going to hope the same will apply to those on my friends list and go ahead.
I used to believe whole-heartedly that God was up there and
everything happened for a reason. I've always believed that many of the
problems God is blamed for are man-made...world hunger for example. We could,
as a society stop world hunger. If people were less concerned with lining their
pockets and looking out for #1 we could feed the world. Global warming - if
people cared more about the consequences of their actions than convenience
MANKIND could fix that problem as mankind caused it. But tell me how you can
write off the death of my full term son as something "God" planned.
The preacher at his service, of course, didn't know what to say but he related
a story of a family member who had been through something similar and said that
had she not went through what she did then she may have never had her other
children and he loved her other children which would be a good point for some
but I had planned on having as many children as I could so where does that
leave me? Some people say, "Well, maybe God was protecting him from a
worse fate later on" THEN WHY EVEN LET ME CONCEIVE HIM? WHY would you let
a woman go through all that I did and fall in love with the child growing in
her womb just to take him back at the last second?
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that maybe someday I will be a mother to a living child here on Earth but that hope is not something I believe as a fact in the same way that I don't believe it as fact that God exists. I hope he does. I hope he will help me out of this but I don't -know- that he will. I still pray, I still like to believe there is someone up there but I don’t believe that he has control over everything. I can’t. I can’t believe that there is a God who could have saved my son but didn't I can’t believe that someone chose for me to carry my little boy for 9 months just to take him away.
The question that I will ask every time I think about it is, if he wasn't meant to live then why did I get pregnant with him? Why let us fall in love with someone who was not going to be with us for very long? The only reason that makes any sense is that there is no reason for a child to be full term and then die before it sees the world so if there is no reason to allow such things then there is no one up there "allowing" things to happen. They just do. Maybe God’s purpose is to comfort us during the inevitable. Maybe I’ll never really know but I’m comfortable with where I am in my beliefs and I’m sorry if they upset anyone, I really am but I could sit at this desk for a year trying to explain how I've gotten to this point and never truly be able to get you to understand. All I can say is that I respect all beliefs and am in no way saying the way I think is "the" way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you would like to be a part of the Capture Your Grief Project it is not too late, hop on over to the Facebook event page here.
If you would like to be a part of the Capture Your Grief Project it is not too late, hop on over to the Facebook event page here.
