If you don’t know already I am starting this blog because I
delivered a stillborn baby in January and I need an outlet. Also, I’m starting
it because I know that there are people who would like to know what’s going on
with me that I may not be able to be around/talk to yet. It’s hard to talk
about how I feel because I am still in the early stages of grief and even going
to the grocery store is still a challenge for me. I can talk to an empty
computer screen all day and never feel self-conscious because I won’t feel bad
about crying or like I’m not acting the “right” way. So, let’s start with my
story up until now.
This wasn't our first pregnancy. I had a miscarriage that we didn't tell many people about in May of 2011.
When I got pregnant with Sebastian I was worried that it may happen
again but I was cautiously hopeful about it and every milestone I hit in my
pregnancy helped my fears slowly disappear. I made it to 14 weeks-the end of
the first trimester, 20 weeks-the midway mark (when we found out we were having
a boy!), and even 37 weeks-full term! I had an uncomplicated pregnancy; I never
even got morning sickness. I had no doubt by the time my ninth month of
pregnancy came around that what I had wanted for so long, to be a mom, was
finally going to happen.
All of that ended on
Wednesday, January 23, 2013-8 days before my due date. I had been having
contractions since Monday morning that were between 15 and 20 minutes apart but
after doing squats and walking around all day Tuesday they finally regulated to
about 5 minutes apart. It was time. I woke Scott up from bed after they had
been consistent for a few hours because I wanted to be sure it was the real
thing. After Scott got a shower and loaded the car we left to go pick up my mom
before making the hour long drive to the hospital. Scott called his mom on the
way and she told us she’d be headed there right behind us. We made it to the
delivery room a few minutes after midnight and I changed into the gown and got
into the bed. One of the nurses hooked me up to the monitors and I almost
instantly knew that something was wrong. She kept moving the piece that should
have been tracking his heartbeat around and said not to worry but I knew. I
felt the same way I had the day in 2011 that I was getting an ultrasound and I
saw the tech’s confused look when she saw a baby but no heartbeat. My baby was
gone. I remember lying there acting oblivious to what was going on thinking
that this had to be wrong. I was just being paranoid. I had heard his heartbeat
at my regular appointment the Friday before. My squirmy little boy was still there. He had
to be. Everything was ready, I was in labor, and I was going to be going home a
mother.
Somewhere between 3 nurses trying to find his heartbeat one
of them checked me to see how far I was progressed. She said she was pretty
sure I was 7 ½ cm dilated but that she wanted to go get my midwife to be sure.
When my midwife, Susan came in she told me what none of the nurses had been
able to tell me, that they couldn't find Sebastian’s heartbeat. She did an
ultrasound and told me exactly what I knew she would say, “I’m so sorry, but
your baby has passed.” I distantly remember my mom letting out a cry and
leaving the room but what I remember most was staring into Scott’s eyes
silently begging him to wake me up from this horrible nightmare. Susan went
ahead and checked my cervix and told me I was fully dilated but that my
contractions weren't doing anything so they would need to induce me so that I
could deliver him but that I could decide when.
The staff left the room and I just cried. Scott went out to
the waiting room to tell his mother and I just laid there in the room that
should have been the setting for this new happy beginning for us that had in
just a matter of minutes turned into the place that I would deliver my son’s
lifeless body. I couldn't believe it. I was in so much pain with the
contractions and the heartache that I had no idea how I would get through
delivering him. I was so scared. The only thing that was getting me through was
my Hypno-Babies breathing and I wasn't sure how long that was going to help. It
took me about an hour to tell them I was ready to be induced. I didn't get an
epidural because I had come in wanting to go through labor without one and I
wanted to at least have that. I delivered Sebastian at 3:24am after what seemed
like hours of pushing but I know was probably only 30 minutes or so. The whole
time I was pushing I pretended it was possible that he was okay-I think that
thinking like that was the only thing that kept me going. My baby boy was born
silent. He had gotten the cord wrapped around his neck and at some point just
passed. She asked me if I wanted to hold him and I was so shaky and upset that
I couldn't so instead she held him up and showed him to me. He was so
beautiful. I saw his Daddy’s features in him even in that few moments before
they put him in the bassinet. My midwife said that it looked like he had passed
a few days before so I think that his passing was what triggered my labor but I
don’t know that for certain.
As I was recovering Scott went and got his mother and we all
held him for a while. He had the sweetest rose-bud lips and his brow was
furrowed a little and all I wanted to do was to be able to kiss his troubles
away. I wanted him to wake up and look at me. I
had our son’s body in my arms but he wasn't really there. That was not the
sweet baby I had been looking forward to for 9 months. Our dreams about our son
were shattered. The very worst moment was kissing him before giving him back to
Scott for the last time because I knew that it was going to be my last moment
with my first born on Earth. It is the most impossible pain to describe because
a month ago when it was happening I didn't even believe I could survive it. He
should be home with us, I shouldn't feel so empty. We had been waiting for nine
months to be his parents: we loved him, we prepared for him, we did everything
right, everything was ready and our baby boy never even got to breathe outside
of the womb.
At this point I’m doing better than I was but I have had
really bad moments. There are times when I blame myself so much that I don’t
feel like I ever deserve to be happy again. It helps me to know that my son is
with me now, just in a different way and he knows what I know deep down…that
there was nothing I could have done to stop this and that I will make it
through this. I am still a mother, I just don’t get the experiences most women
have with their babies. Instead I have an angel that I can only see in my
dreams who will be with me forever.
